Reasons I Did Not Send Texts This Spring Break

  • Had lots of free time, and thus paradoxically felt like my time was somehow precious and wanted to cram every second full of Leisure Activity

  • Waited too long to follow up with someone I actually don’t want to hang out with again, so that texting them “It was nice to see you, but I don’t think I have the bandwidth to pursue anything right now” would be an out-of-the-blue bonus rejection

  • Hands too greasy

  • Scared that if I text I’ll set an expectation of being the kind of person who follows up, and that will move the bar toward me having to take initiative

  • Wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted and wrote and del—

  • Left phone in gym locker, returned to find that my phone alarm had been blaring incessantly for nine minutes at an astounded gym patron, banished phone to shadow dimension as punishment for its hubris

  • Promised to pick a restaurant and couldn’t choose

  • Having a “Driveway Moment”

  • Why should I text them when they haven’t texted ME! I am the wronged party in this scenario; they are hiding from me because they are ASHAMED of how they have treated me, and if they can’t handle even talking to me that is THEIR LO

  • Too busy playing Conan: Exiles, the video game where there’s a slider to control how big your character’s dick is

  • Eh, I’ll see them later anyway