Proposed Outfits for a Summer Sex Party: An Indecision

Note: this post mentions the existence of sex. Also: I am not being paid for this and if I link to a specific item I own, I promise you, I bought it on sale.

I’ve been invited to an event described to me as a “poolside orgy”. It’s been a little while since my orgy days, so I’m nervous about what exactly I’m supposed to wear. I used to just show up in a pleather dress that my friend Santi and I bought at a Hot Topic in late 2007, but that dress has long since vanished, and also if I remember correctly, it had anyone who wore it sweating balls, so it probably wouldn’t be the right choice for anything outdoors in summer.

Years ago, I read this very helpful guide about what to wear to a kink party. At this point, it’s old and the links are all broken, but the advice and the images are still a great reference point. I’ve been revisiting this article as I try to figure out what my outfit game is. I know I need to come up with something to write in the blank banner tattoo on my leg, but aside from that, I probably need to put some clothes on.

I always hesitate about wearing feminine things when there’s a chance I’m in a meet (meat?) market; being hit on by a straight man who thinks I’m a woman often feels to me like receiving phone sex from a wrong number. But I am also very bad at performing transmasculinity in the summertime; button-downs are for when there is even the faintest semblance of a breeze, thank you. If I had no tits, I’d probably just wear a shirt I planned to take off, some tiny swim shorts, ridiculous gladiator sandals, and fake nipple piercings. I suppose I could just wear that outfit anyway, but in this fantasy universe I also have $120 to buy those sandals, which right now I decidedly do not.

I have a second outfit idea that I am thinking of as “Fancy Goth Bitch.” It’s one up on my proposed Sexy Gladiator look in that I already own everything I need, but for reference, here it is recreated with objects you can buy on the Internet. It goes something like: black tiger bodysuit, sequined shorts, big floppy hat, and cat eye sunglasses, which I have in the now-discontinued red. I’m not sure what shoes go with this; my instinct is either tall platform sandals or seasonally-inappropriate black doc martens. Similarly, I could theme an outfit around my snake bikini, rather than changing into it later. The thing there would be figuring out what to do with the swimsuit when it inevitably becomes waterlogged.

My one concern with all of these looks is approachability. Frequently I’m trundling along through life thinking of myself as kind of a disappointing person, and then I find out, usually years after it’s relevant, that someone I knew had a crush on me, or wanted to get to know me better, but thought I was “unapproachable” or “intimidating”. I think that part of what creates this effect is that, as a person who feels like a sea slug a good amount of the time, I am a heavy user of Weaponized Fashion. But because I am actually not a sea slug but a pretty medium-to-fun person, the Fashion creates the impression that I am just exceptionally cool, and then rather than getting wrong numbers, I get no phone calls at all. Or at least, that’s my going theory. I could really be that cool, I guess, which is a terrifying prospect.

Of course, the idea of dressing in a way that’s “less intimidating” doesn’t sound like much fun, either. At this point, looking exceptionally extra is such a part of what makes me comfortable that I don’t think I’d have fun without it. Or maybe if I’m unapproachable, it’s on me to approach people, if I don’t want to find myself drifting around in a donut-shaped pool floaty, looking very cool and approached by none.

Maybe I should just write “talk to me” in my tattoo and hope for the best.

Postscript: someone who is not me should wear a sheer robe , lemon bikini bottoms, lime pasties, and jelly sandals. If you wear that, I will definitely approach you, mostly to ask if jelly shoes are as great as I assumed they were in middle school.